I’m a damn good waiter. I’m attentive, have a great memory, and can talk for hours about the extensive menu. In no way do I intend to stay in the industry for very much longer, but it’s a great paying summer job. The toughest part about the job, really, is putting up with customers. I’m not anti-social. I’m not condescending or inconsiderate. I just can’t wrap my head around some of the conversations I’m forced to have.
Customer #1: I’d like an Iced Coffee.
Me: Sure, not a problem. I’ll be right back with that.
Customer #1: (When I return) – There are ice cubes in here. I don’t want ice cubes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you asked for Iced Coffee.
Customer #1: Well, yes, but not with ice in it. Who gets ice in their coffee?
Me: *Blank stare*….. Can I do anything else for you then ma’m?
Customer #1: You can take these ice cubes out.
Me: Sure, let me just go get you a new cup.
Customer #1: Can’t you just do it here? You just have to take a spoon or something and lob them out…
Me: We don’t….do that here… *Sigh*
Later in the day…
Customer #2: Do you have anything like a hamburger here?
Me: Unfortunately we don’t serve hamburgers, but we do serve an Antelope Cheeseburger which is very similar. It tastes a little sweeter than beef and it’s not very gamy.
Customer #2: But what is it made out of, pork…or beef?
Me: No, it’s Antelope.
Customer #2: So is that venison or something?
Customer #2: Ma’m, no, Antelope is an animal. It’s…just a separate animal.
Customer #3 (sitting next t Customer #2): It’s like a gazelle, or an elk or something.
Customer #2: It’s got to be really gamy, then, right? Where do they come from, Africa?
Me: No, it’s not gamy at all. And our Antelope is domestic and comes from out west – it’s all free range.
Customer #2: Oh, there’s so much going on in Africa and Iraq right now – who knows where that elk has been. I’ll just have the Cobb Salad.

If you’re a fellow server and need to satisfy some of your pent up customer induced rage, visit the Waiter Rant website. I borrowed their name for this post, and I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if he has it worse than I do…