What I Went to School For

What’s happened since the last time I wrote something significant?

My schedule pretty much became unbearable, a plane landed in the Hudson, a space treadmill was named after Stephen Colbert, oh yea, and that guy….Obama is it?…became President. Apparently he just got a dog…

But I digress. My issue today, simply put, is that the Jonas Brothers are systematically destroying the best British boy-band music produced in the 21^st century.

No joke. They’ve taken the witty, irreverent lyrics of the now-disbanded UK band Busted and turned them into uncreative, sterile versions of the originals.

Let’s take Year 3000 for example. A #2 hit on the UK billboard performed by Busted, and written about band member James Bourne’s obsession with the film Back to the Future, had provocative lyrics like “triple breasted women swim around town totally naked” and “everybody bought our seventh album / it had outsold Michael Jackson”. What did the wunderkinds at Disney decide to do? They changed the first to “Girls there with round hair like Star Wars float above the floor”, and the latter replaced MJ with “Kelly Clarkson”. They even changed the lyric “your granddaughter is pretty fine” to “your granddaughter is doing fine”.

WHAT?! The original paid homage to Jackson’s album selling over 109 million copies worldwide. What’s Clarkson done besides pop out a Midwest town and belt out a couple pop-hits? And triple breasted women. I doubt I’ve read a more perfect string of words – why did that need to be changed? Hmmm? The only other travesty here is that they dragged George Lucas’ masterpiece into the mix, a big no-no for any true fan of Princess Leia’s buns.

But no, they didn’t stop there. The song that pushed the original trio to fame – the song I fell in love with – the song that made my high school days a little more bearable – they’ve prostituted it beyond recognition. Busted’s amazing debut single, What I Go to School For, was written about one of Matt’s teachers he’d had a crush on in school, lamenting that “I can’t tell my friends ‘cause they will laugh / I love a member of the staff.” This song, which literally makes you want to jump up and down, was riddled with the inventive lyrics “And I fought my way to front of class / To get the best view of her ass / I dropped a pencil on the floor / She bends down and shows me more.”

It continues:

“Girlfriends, I’ve had plenty
But none like Miss McKenzie
That’s what I go to school for
So she may be thirty-three
But that doesn’t bother me
Her boyfriend’s working out of town
I find a reason to go round
I climb a tree outside her home
To make sure that she’s alone
I see her in her underwear
I can’t help but stop and stare”

Finally, the climax: “She’s packed her bag it’s in the trunk / Looks like she picked herself a hunk”

Sex, catchy riffs, and more all packed into a glorious 3 minutes and 30 seconds. You can’t buy poetry that good. (Actually, you can. iTunes re-released both a compilation album of Busted’s hits as well as 2004’s “A Present for Everyone” for the US, or check them out on Amazon for some great import CD’s.)

Watch the music video here:

But what did those curly headed freaks do to it?

“Can’t tell my friends ’cause they will laugh
I love a girl from senior class”

Damnit. This isn’t another melodramatic hyperbole of prepubescent Christian love. This is some seriously comedic, sexy material, for the love of God…

“I daydream through my freshman math
While she fills out her college apps
I’ll show her a world where we belong
But she’ll have to drive us to the prom

Girlfriends I’ve had plenty
She’s the one that I need (…this doesn’t even RHYME)

Her boyfriend’s just turning nineteen
But that doesn’t bother me
He’s back at college out of town
I find a reason to go round
I climb a tree outside her home
To make sure that she’s alone
She looks up and sees me there
So I can’t help but stop and stare”

Hm. None of this could have been written by Mattie, James, or Charlie. It’s a sorry attempt to capitalize on the amazing work of these three talented artists.

Let’s not forget the climax:

“She’s made her choice
And I’m the one
At least ’til graduation comes”

I take that back. This isn’t a climax…more like premature ejaculation. This fizzled faster than a cheap sparkler on the 4^th of July. No wonder this re-make withered away within weeks of its release.

Jonas Brothers: you make me sick. Stop turning brilliant songs more “family friendly” and go back to New Jersey.

Don’t Vote

Civil rights, health care, human rights, abortion, women’s rights, gun control, gas prices, social security, welfare, education, minimum wage, the war, the economy, global warming, the first amendment, the second amendment, all the amendments…that stuff sucks. Don’t vote.

Send it to 5 friends. And, don’t forget to vote.

Pennies

I’m not above preying upon a 3rd grader’s spelling deficiency. I’ve let far too many potentially hilarious situations slip through my fingers without letting them see the light of day. Must have been my conscience…hmmm…. In any case, my brother and I regularly volunteer to “review” my mom’s corrected papers – for the sole reason of finding something as hilarious as this:

Stupid kid. She forgot to capitalize the first word in her sentence.

The Greatest Star Wars Love Letter, Ever.

I didn’t write this, but I have to say, Jessica is a lucky girl…

If you don’t get it, go re-watch Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. He gets bonus points for figuring out how to spell “Tauntaun“.

The Best Post Secrets

If you’ve never heard of Frank Warren’s PostSecret, then you’re in for a treat. PostSecret is is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail anonymous homemade postcards to Frank, and in as few words as possible tell a secret about themselves. They range from happy to sad, motivating to thought provoking, but are always incredibly moving. Anyway, for a long time, I’ve been saving what I’ve considered to be the “best” secrets I’ve seen – they’re my 50 favorites, but I wasn’t sure what to do with them…so I’ve posted them below. Enjoy, and patronize PostSecret!

Traveling Salesmen

I’m pretty sure everyone in Bridgeport knows how to fix a car. Unfair stereotype based on socioeconomic conditions? Maybe. But I swear, there’s not a single other place on earth where I can drive my (understandably damaged) car around and be hassled by people trying to fix it for me.

Generally, a man much larger than myself will drive up next to me, maybe in a parking lot, or in sitting traffic, and ask if I’d like my car fixed. I get an inquiry, no joke, at least once a week. The conversation typically goes something like this:

“Yo, you need some body work. I’ll give you a good price.”

“Umm, no thanks.”

And that’s the end of it. But today, my life wasn’t that easy. All I wanted was a delicious Honey Mustard Chicken sub from Quiznos, and this is what I got instead.

“Yo, you need some body work. Let me fix that up for you.”

“Umm, no thanks.”

“Come on, I’ll give you a real good price.” Whoa. Now he’s breaking the monotonous conversation cycle. Clearly no side-walk salesmen etiquette to be found here…

“No.”

“Why not? Why wouldn’t you want to get that fixed?” (To clarify, my car has a few noticeable dents from collisions that were seriously not my fault, the least of which not being my bent hood, which is being held onto the front end by a gun lock.)

“Too many miles,” I say, now trying to pull up the window despite the 90 degree humidity in a vain attempt to escape.

“Oh, so you want to sell it.” (He wasn’t asking a question – he clearly thought that “too many miles” translated into “why don’t you take it off my hands” or something.)

“No, I just, don’t want any body work done.”

I pulled away after that, completely breaking eye contact with him. It’s the nice person in me that feels guilty about it, but then there’s the jerk that knows I never would have been able to refuse the business card I’m sure he was pressing between his fat fingers had I not been so quick to put my foot on the gas. Sometimes, being nice just doesn’t pay.

A Daily Thought

I’m sure a lot of you have watched the “Daily Show with Jon Stewart” before. For those of you who have, you’re definitely familiar with the opening which would go something like this:

“September 2nd, 2008. From Comedy Central’s World News Headquarters in New York…This is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart!”

Lots of clapping and political wit normally ensue soon after, so the announcer’s voice is usually ignored. But it got me thinking – do you think they hire that announcer to do the opening every day? Given, it only airs 4 days a week, but still… it doesn’t seem like an effective use of their resources. If I were them, I’d make the guy pre-record all the openings for the entire year in one sitting. Even though it would make for a painfully monotonous job, I think it would be much more cost effective.Happy September, everybody.

So Long, Sweet Summer

My summer is over a week from tomorrow. That’s the cold hard truth. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to go back to Sacred Heart and start doing some more….productive….things. Yet, I can’t shake this feeling of inadequacy. It’s like I’m parting with so many things – high school friends, co-workers, family, etc. I think the most alive I’ve felt all summer was sitting in the Hotel Grand Paris in La Ceiba, Honduras underneath a palm tree, sipping a Coca-Cola out of a glass bottle. Some feelings you just can’t shake…

So, I decided to make my last week of summer my best. In the past week, I’ve had more obnoxious customers at the restaurant, gone to more parties, and talked to more people than I have all summer. I’m going to double that this week.

What else have I done this summer? I completed six credits, with six more on the way plus an internship. 15 credits in a summer isn’t too shabby. I went to Honduras, Los Angeles, New York, and a multitude of other places. I’ve also been reading a number of books, the most recent being Charles Bukowski’s Women and John Irving’s The Fourth Hand. They’re both fantastic novels that I haven’t been able to put down.

I’ve also been writing, drawing, thinking, playing the piano, and watching tons of movies. Great blockbusters this summer, by the way. Iron Man, Indiaian Jones, Prince Caspian, The Dark Knight, Pinapple Express, Wall-E - nothin’ better than those. I’ve even been riding my bike, which I’ve decided will be accompanying me to my new house in Fairfield. All in all, it’s been a good summer. I’m just sad to see it go…

Random Acts of Kindness

I was on my lender page for Kiva.org and was looking at some of the amazing folks around the world I’ve been able to have contact with. The six I’ve loaned to so far range from Cambodia to Kenya and are truly working for better lives for themselves. It’s just amazing to me that through micro-loaning, in increments as low as $25, you can really change someone’s life. I’m not exactly raking in loads of cash, but $25 really isn’t that much money – and yet, it’s helping someone else a world away tenfold of what it would have helped me. It just started me thinking on random acts of kindness and whatnot, and how such little things can really change the world…

As an aside, this was what I saw on my New Yorker desk calendar this morning:

Published in The New Yorker May 15, 2006. Copyright Pat Byrnes.

It made me laugh. Oh, New Yorker, you and your comedy…what will we do with you?

Waiter Rant

I’m a damn good waiter. I’m attentive, have a great memory, and can talk for hours about the extensive menu. In no way do I intend to stay in the industry for very much longer, but it’s a great paying summer job. The toughest part about the job, really, is putting up with customers. I’m not anti-social. I’m not condescending or inconsiderate. I just can’t wrap my head around some of the conversations I’m forced to have.

Customer #1: I’d like an Iced Coffee.

Me: Sure, not a problem. I’ll be right back with that.

Customer #1: (When I return) – There are ice cubes in here. I don’t want ice cubes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you asked for Iced Coffee.

Customer #1: Well, yes, but not with ice in it. Who gets ice in their coffee?

Me: *Blank stare*….. Can I do anything else for you then ma’m?

Customer #1: You can take these ice cubes out.

Me: Sure, let me just go get you a new cup.

Customer #1: Can’t you just do it here? You just have to take a spoon or something and lob them out…

Me: We don’t….do that here… *Sigh*

Later in the day…

Customer #2: Do you have anything like a hamburger here?

Me: Unfortunately we don’t serve hamburgers, but we do serve an Antelope Cheeseburger which is very similar. It tastes a little sweeter than beef and it’s not very gamy.

Customer #2: But what is it made out of, pork…or beef?

Me: No, it’s Antelope.

Customer #2: So is that venison or something?

Customer #2: Ma’m, no, Antelope is an animal. It’s…just a separate animal.

Customer #3 (sitting next t Customer #2): It’s like a gazelle, or an elk or something.

Customer #2: It’s got to be really gamy, then, right? Where do they come from, Africa?

Me: No, it’s not gamy at all. And our Antelope is domestic and comes from out west – it’s all free range.

Customer #2: Oh, there’s so much going on in Africa and Iraq right now – who knows where that elk has been. I’ll just have the Cobb Salad.

If you’re a fellow server and need to satisfy some of your pent up customer induced rage, visit the Waiter Rant website. I borrowed their name for this post, and I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if he has it worse than I do…