What I Went to School For

What’s happened since the last time I wrote something significant?

My schedule pretty much became unbearable, a plane landed in the Hudson, a space treadmill was named after Stephen Colbert, oh yea, and that guy….Obama is it?…became President. Apparently he just got a dog…

But I digress. My issue today, simply put, is that the Jonas Brothers are systematically destroying the best British boy-band music produced in the 21^st century.

No joke. They’ve taken the witty, irreverent lyrics of the now-disbanded UK band Busted and turned them into uncreative, sterile versions of the originals.

Let’s take Year 3000 for example. A #2 hit on the UK billboard performed by Busted, and written about band member James Bourne’s obsession with the film Back to the Future, had provocative lyrics like “triple breasted women swim around town totally naked” and “everybody bought our seventh album / it had outsold Michael Jackson”. What did the wunderkinds at Disney decide to do? They changed the first to “Girls there with round hair like Star Wars float above the floor”, and the latter replaced MJ with “Kelly Clarkson”. They even changed the lyric “your granddaughter is pretty fine” to “your granddaughter is doing fine”.

WHAT?! The original paid homage to Jackson’s album selling over 109 million copies worldwide. What’s Clarkson done besides pop out a Midwest town and belt out a couple pop-hits? And triple breasted women. I doubt I’ve read a more perfect string of words – why did that need to be changed? Hmmm? The only other travesty here is that they dragged George Lucas’ masterpiece into the mix, a big no-no for any true fan of Princess Leia’s buns.

But no, they didn’t stop there. The song that pushed the original trio to fame – the song I fell in love with – the song that made my high school days a little more bearable – they’ve prostituted it beyond recognition. Busted’s amazing debut single, What I Go to School For, was written about one of Matt’s teachers he’d had a crush on in school, lamenting that “I can’t tell my friends ‘cause they will laugh / I love a member of the staff.” This song, which literally makes you want to jump up and down, was riddled with the inventive lyrics “And I fought my way to front of class / To get the best view of her ass / I dropped a pencil on the floor / She bends down and shows me more.”

It continues:

“Girlfriends, I’ve had plenty
But none like Miss McKenzie
That’s what I go to school for
So she may be thirty-three
But that doesn’t bother me
Her boyfriend’s working out of town
I find a reason to go round
I climb a tree outside her home
To make sure that she’s alone
I see her in her underwear
I can’t help but stop and stare”

Finally, the climax: “She’s packed her bag it’s in the trunk / Looks like she picked herself a hunk”

Sex, catchy riffs, and more all packed into a glorious 3 minutes and 30 seconds. You can’t buy poetry that good. (Actually, you can. iTunes re-released both a compilation album of Busted’s hits as well as 2004’s “A Present for Everyone” for the US, or check them out on Amazon for some great import CD’s.)

Watch the music video here:

But what did those curly headed freaks do to it?

“Can’t tell my friends ’cause they will laugh
I love a girl from senior class”

Damnit. This isn’t another melodramatic hyperbole of prepubescent Christian love. This is some seriously comedic, sexy material, for the love of God…

“I daydream through my freshman math
While she fills out her college apps
I’ll show her a world where we belong
But she’ll have to drive us to the prom

Girlfriends I’ve had plenty
She’s the one that I need (…this doesn’t even RHYME)

Her boyfriend’s just turning nineteen
But that doesn’t bother me
He’s back at college out of town
I find a reason to go round
I climb a tree outside her home
To make sure that she’s alone
She looks up and sees me there
So I can’t help but stop and stare”

Hm. None of this could have been written by Mattie, James, or Charlie. It’s a sorry attempt to capitalize on the amazing work of these three talented artists.

Let’s not forget the climax:

“She’s made her choice
And I’m the one
At least ’til graduation comes”

I take that back. This isn’t a climax…more like premature ejaculation. This fizzled faster than a cheap sparkler on the 4^th of July. No wonder this re-make withered away within weeks of its release.

Jonas Brothers: you make me sick. Stop turning brilliant songs more “family friendly” and go back to New Jersey.

Vote

Ok, I’m trying to get back on the blog. I know, you’re all probably super-excited. In any case, I have a legit request: vote.

For the second year in a row, Sacred Heart University finished on top of the charts for the ONE Campus Challenge and received yet another $1,000 grant to make poverty history in our area.

Now is your chance to help out! Head to http://www.one.org/projects/ and vote for Sacred Heart’s final project! It took a lot of work and planning, but it came together nicely! Check out our video and see the impact we had – from financing 8 incredible individuals around the world to petitioning our Senators to support the International Affairs portion of the FY2010 Federal Budget.

The winning school will be chosen based on a panel of judges as well as the “popular vote”, and the winner will gain incredible recognition as the number 1 poverty fighting school in the country!

We’re still in 9th place at the moment, but please vote and pass this along to any faculty/staff/coworkers/friends/family that would like to get involved! Anyone can vote, and you don’t have to be affiliated with SHU or any other unversity to do so!

We’re not asking for your money – we’re asking for your voice. Use your voice and VOTE FOR SHU!

Don’t Vote

Civil rights, health care, human rights, abortion, women’s rights, gun control, gas prices, social security, welfare, education, minimum wage, the war, the economy, global warming, the first amendment, the second amendment, all the amendments…that stuff sucks. Don’t vote.

Send it to 5 friends. And, don’t forget to vote.

Pennies

I’m not above preying upon a 3rd grader’s spelling deficiency. I’ve let far too many potentially hilarious situations slip through my fingers without letting them see the light of day. Must have been my conscience…hmmm…. In any case, my brother and I regularly volunteer to “review” my mom’s corrected papers – for the sole reason of finding something as hilarious as this:

Stupid kid. She forgot to capitalize the first word in her sentence.

Who Needs Sleep?

I’m determined. I’m vowing from here on out, for the rest of my life, to never sleep for more than 8 hours. Why? I think I waste a lot of time sleeping, and even though sleep feels amazing, a lot of other things make me feel equally awesome (being awake, for example). In any case, that’s my new resolution – and it’s been working out really well.

At first, it was a little hard to go from 9ish hours to a flat 8 or less, but after a few weeks at it, I’m having trouble sleeping for more than 8. Next question: is it healthy? Yep. How do I know? Newsweek told me. They say we need 7 hours of sleep to function properly, and since I figure that 9 is way too much, 8 is a perfect medium. You never know though, maybe I’ll ween myself down that far at some point.

This BBC article says that sleep varies person to person, which I think has got to be true – but I think it’s working out. Like Gustav Graves says in Die Another Day, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Seems like a much more effective use of my time, no?

The Greatest Star Wars Love Letter, Ever.

I didn’t write this, but I have to say, Jessica is a lucky girl…

If you don’t get it, go re-watch Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. He gets bonus points for figuring out how to spell “Tauntaun“.

The Best Post Secrets

If you’ve never heard of Frank Warren’s PostSecret, then you’re in for a treat. PostSecret is is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail anonymous homemade postcards to Frank, and in as few words as possible tell a secret about themselves. They range from happy to sad, motivating to thought provoking, but are always incredibly moving. Anyway, for a long time, I’ve been saving what I’ve considered to be the “best” secrets I’ve seen – they’re my 50 favorites, but I wasn’t sure what to do with them…so I’ve posted them below. Enjoy, and patronize PostSecret!

Traveling Salesmen

I’m pretty sure everyone in Bridgeport knows how to fix a car. Unfair stereotype based on socioeconomic conditions? Maybe. But I swear, there’s not a single other place on earth where I can drive my (understandably damaged) car around and be hassled by people trying to fix it for me.

Generally, a man much larger than myself will drive up next to me, maybe in a parking lot, or in sitting traffic, and ask if I’d like my car fixed. I get an inquiry, no joke, at least once a week. The conversation typically goes something like this:

“Yo, you need some body work. I’ll give you a good price.”

“Umm, no thanks.”

And that’s the end of it. But today, my life wasn’t that easy. All I wanted was a delicious Honey Mustard Chicken sub from Quiznos, and this is what I got instead.

“Yo, you need some body work. Let me fix that up for you.”

“Umm, no thanks.”

“Come on, I’ll give you a real good price.” Whoa. Now he’s breaking the monotonous conversation cycle. Clearly no side-walk salesmen etiquette to be found here…

“No.”

“Why not? Why wouldn’t you want to get that fixed?” (To clarify, my car has a few noticeable dents from collisions that were seriously not my fault, the least of which not being my bent hood, which is being held onto the front end by a gun lock.)

“Too many miles,” I say, now trying to pull up the window despite the 90 degree humidity in a vain attempt to escape.

“Oh, so you want to sell it.” (He wasn’t asking a question – he clearly thought that “too many miles” translated into “why don’t you take it off my hands” or something.)

“No, I just, don’t want any body work done.”

I pulled away after that, completely breaking eye contact with him. It’s the nice person in me that feels guilty about it, but then there’s the jerk that knows I never would have been able to refuse the business card I’m sure he was pressing between his fat fingers had I not been so quick to put my foot on the gas. Sometimes, being nice just doesn’t pay.

A Daily Thought

I’m sure a lot of you have watched the “Daily Show with Jon Stewart” before. For those of you who have, you’re definitely familiar with the opening which would go something like this:

“September 2nd, 2008. From Comedy Central’s World News Headquarters in New York…This is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart!”

Lots of clapping and political wit normally ensue soon after, so the announcer’s voice is usually ignored. But it got me thinking – do you think they hire that announcer to do the opening every day? Given, it only airs 4 days a week, but still… it doesn’t seem like an effective use of their resources. If I were them, I’d make the guy pre-record all the openings for the entire year in one sitting. Even though it would make for a painfully monotonous job, I think it would be much more cost effective.Happy September, everybody.

Really This Time…

So, I did it. I definitely finished my summer off in every sense – I did literally everything I’d wanted to do. I didn’t even go to sleep on the day before I drove back, which was a painfully awesome idea. I got to eat at the restaurant a few times, see Tropic Thunder, and hang out with my very best friends. Anyway, I’ve been saying for a long time that LAST summer was my best summer ever…but I think that’s been done away with. This summer has really been awesome, and I’m going to miss it. Hopefully too many things won’t change now that I’m back at Sacred Heart. I’ll be at Community Connections starting tomorrow until Friday, so if you’re looking fro something to do, text messages are always welcome. Plus, I’ve got next weekend to look forward to, which is shaping up to be a fun time. Anyway, I’m exhausted and trying to STILL recover from my Wednesday all-nighter, so I’m gonna hit the hay. G’night.